Mother’s Day 2018

They say that time heals all…
So why is it that after every turn I hit a brick wall?
Every time that I’m about to reach the finish line I stall…
Because how can I possibly walk when I can barely crawl?
The more time that passes the more I feel like I’m going to explode
The more I think of your memories, the bigger the burden, the heavier the load.
The more and more I wish I could hug you everyday and tell you how much I love you so.
The more I wish I could run away…as long as I have you by my side I’m good to go.
So many questions unasked, so many things left unsaid
I miss you so much it hurts, I’d almost rather be dead.
A heart bigger than anyone I know-
I couldn’t understand it then, but now more than ever, I see your legacy continues to grow
But see the older I get the more I feel that I’ve reached an all time low
I’ve had people tell me to “Get over it.”- but they’ve never had a parent leave at 12 years old to protect them… so what the _____ do they know?
I’ve thought so many times about what I’d say if I ever saw you again,
And I feel if I never get the opportunity to- my heart may never be able to mend.
The root of who I am is you
And I think that from the moment you pushed me out- you realized it too.
So many milestones I wished we could’ve shared
Some impossible to celebrate because I just couldn’t bear
I remember my 13th birthday like it was yesterday… man life just ain’t fair.
I question if I can ever again be whole
How can I ever really be myself if I can’t even play the role?
I want more than anything to be at peace,
And for you to know that my love and admiration for you will never cease.
I will never stop searching for you until the day we reunite
Because whether it’s on earth or in heaven I won’t give up without a fight.
Mon coeur,
Mon âme,
Mon amour,
Until we meet again I just want to say,
Je t’aime maman and Happy Mother’s Day
Forever in my heart and in my prayers will you stay.


Copyright 2018 Christiana Parisien

Lost Chronicles

It’s so easy to get lost in this world. To be consumed by the material things and to let life’s troubles eat you alive. To lose yourself because you feel as though you’ve given so much to one person, you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be yourself. Love is unrequited. It’s patient, kind, doesn’t boast and it isn’t proud. It’s everything in this world and without it we would have nothing.

Love begins with family, the love from our parents, our siblings, aunts, cousins and even those who we’ve come to accept as family. That is the foundation for how we see ourselves and how we learn to love other people. With each relationship that transpires we learn lessons, but we also bring baggage, hurt, a newfound understanding of the person we want to be with. It’s not always easy to forget the past. To forget the hurt, or the infidelities or things we’ve done. We get defensive and closed off. Not wanting to love fully. Not wanting to open up to one person fully. For fear of being hurt or taken advantage of. Hurting them before they can hurt you. Leaving them before they have the chance to leave you. Self sabotaging so that you expedite “the inevitable”. Because YOU are the most important person to you, so you have to look out for yourself because no one’s got you like you got you…right?

Or are you just creating self fulfilling prophecies? Are you just overthinking and creating scenarios that don’t really exist? Are you missing out on what could be something amazing, maybe the best you’ve ever experienced, because you’re scared? Afraid to love again, to trust again, to be happy again. To work hard and fight instead of taking the easy route. Leaving is easy, staying is the hard part.

You can get lost without you even realizing it and it’s so simple to just accept it, to let it happen and continue down the rabbit hole. Finding your way back is a roller coaster ride, a maze that seems to never end. But once you’ve looked deep inside yourself, you see a true reflection of your soul. You see things more clearly and learn that you are not perfect, and learn to accept all your flaws. Take every experience as a lesson and a piece to the puzzle. Learn that everyone will lose who they are, before finding out who they are truly meant to be. And each time you come back a much stronger, wiser and even better version of yourself.


Copyright 2015 Christiana Parisien

Missing Piece

She stares at her reflection in the mirror, searching for an answer. Looking up at the clock, she sighs. She is definitely going to be late if she doesn’t leave in the next 30 mins. In the shower she can’t help but feel that gnawing sensation, like a heavy weight on her shoulders. It’s been eating at her for the past 2 weeks and making her feel as though she’s going insane. Slipping into her white evening gown she thinks about her speech once more. Having rewrote and practiced it so many times, she could practically recite it in her sleep. That’s if she’d actually been able to get any. The past few nights consisted of cold sweats and staring at the ceiling for hours on end. She chalked it up to nerves but deep down she knew it had to be something more. Taking a deep breath, she puts the finishing touches on her hair thinking aloud to herself, “Stay positive, this is your night.” Grabbing her keys and wristlet, she is about to head out the door when something stops her.
That gnawing feeling returns and she yells “Please, just leave me alone!” Her voice resonates through the walls of the empty house. Taking a step towards the front door, she notices something flicker from the corner of her eye. She gasps as the very thing she’d been hoping to avoid all night appears before her.
“You won’t get rid of me that easily, but you knew that already.” A sinister smile forms on the pale shimmering figure of a woman bearing a striking resemblance. Ava takes a step back as tears begin to roll down her cheeks. She shuts her eyes and she reopens them to find the ghostly figure has vanished.
In the limo she uses all willpower to try and focus on her speech, and is relieved when the limo finally pulls up to the venue. Ava forces a smile as she stops for photos and people congratulate her. Sneaking a glance at her phone, she breathes a sigh of relief. 15 minutes to spare before she must go on stage in front of thousands of people. That also meant she had 15 minutes to get her bearings and look as though she had not just seen a ghost.
Making her way to the bathroom, she bumps into her manager. “Ava you’ve got to be on stage soon, where are you going?” So much for trying to be discreet, she thinks. “I just need to make a quick phone call.” Before Ashley could try and talk her out of it, she makes a beeline for the door marked ‘Ladies Room’, grateful that’s it vacant. She gazes in the mirror and stifles a scream. The ghostly woman stands behind her.
Ava’s fear slowly turns to anger, enough was enough. “What do you want from me?” Meant to sound bitter and harsh, it comes out as barely a whisper. “I’m here to show you what you’ve been missing”, the woman responds. Everything goes dark and Ava is being transported through a different space and time. Trying to catch her breath, she looks around to see she is now in a hospital room staring at a woman holding two twin newborn girls. The woman is telling the doctor the names she’d like to have put on the birth certificate- Ava and Nevaeh.
The ground shifts and she is once again transported. Familiarity surrounds her as Ava is now in the house she grew up in. She can hear her parents voices solemnly speaking in the living room. She catches bits and pieces as she gets closer until she can hear the words clear as day, “Why did she have to die? Why couldn’t I be playing with both my baby girls right now?” She sobs into her husbands shoulder.
Ava is transported once more and she finds herself in a field filled with daisies. Confusion, sadness and millions of thoughts fill her. “My whole life, I’ve always felt like something was missing and I could never figure out what or why.” She turns to her twin. “Why now? I mean why present yourself at this point in my life when everything is going so well?” Nevaeh stares straight ahead but her expression remains passive. “It’s time for me to move on, I’ve been stuck in this in-between place for 25 years. There was this overwhelming desire to stay connected to you, see you grow up and accomplish your dreams. Now I can go in peace knowing you’ll be ok, but I couldn’t go without letting you know who I am. I’m so proud of you. And don’t be angry at mom and dad, they just wanted to protect you. You’ll continue to do great, I know you will. I love you sis.” Ava turns to speak but Nevaeh is no longer there.
She looks around to see that she is back in the restroom. She takes a deep breath and it’s as though the heavy weight on her shoulders has been lifted. She smiles as she takes one last look in the mirror. She no longer needs the speech she’s spent months trying to prepare, trying to find the right words to describe the puzzle that has become her life, she now has all the inspiration she needs to speak from the heart.
She has found the missing piece.


Copyright 2015 Christiana Parisien

Blank Page

Staring at this blank page, there are so many things I want to say, so much on my mind. My thoughts always seem to be running a marathon in my head.
I overthink everything and underestimate nothing.
Life comes at you fast, you just never know what could come of it.
I look back to 2 years ago and see how much I’ve changed, how much I’ve grown. Because the only constant in life is change. It’s funny isn’t it? When we’re kids all we want is to be adults and vice versa. When you’re 18 you think you know it all. You’re legally an adult so you must know all the world has to offer. It’s actually just the beginning. It’s when you really start to see the world, the real world. So many opportunities that await and so many people left to meet. The older you get, the more you realize how life is short, life is unfair and life is what you make it. You’ll lose people that you love without any good reason, sometimes without closure. You’ll always wonder why, or what if, or why me? They’ll always be better, always be more, but you have to love yourself and appreciate the things and people that are in your life now.
If there was one thing you could go back and change what would it be? I bet a major life changing event, loss, or regret comes to mind. We all wish we could change something about our past, fix that mistake we made, trade places with that loved one. I know I sure do, just being able to say goodbye, say I love you too…instead of the careless reaction of that last moment. What I wouldn’t give to have that. Man I’d give ANYTHING.
The truth is, our experiences make us who we are but it damn sure doesn’t make it hurt any less, make you miss the person any less, make you wonder why you didn’t cherish the time you had with them when you had the chance.
Life is funny, the way things work themselves out. The way things will happen and have you questioning your faith because you can’t fathom why it had to happen, and in the same sense some things can have you thanking God because it’s so unbelievable. What is life about really?

Love. Such a powerful entity. Something that has the power to uplift and break you down all in one. Something so amazing yet so scary.

Heartbreak. Anyone who’s experienced true heartbreak knows how painful it can be. It will make you question whether you ever want to love again. It will affect you in more ways than one, give you a different outlook on life, a new perspective.

Money. Because it makes the world go round right? You work your whole life to achieve stability and may even have to put your dreams on hold just to make a decent living.

Family and friends. They say blood is thicker than water and truth be told sometimes nobody has your back like family. Sometimes family is all someone has, all they know. And sometimes, friends can be more of a family to you than your own flesh and blood, can hold hold you down like no other.

Life…interesting isn’t it? So many lessons learned, yet so many things left to figure out. Even when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life will throw you a curveball and make you question everything all over again. Then you look back and see what those curveballs have shown you. How they have helped you to grow and how you wouldn’t be where you are today without them.
Staring at this page, I see it is no longer blank. Guess I’ve said all I’ve had to say, for now.


Copyright 2015 Christiana Parisien