“You okay?” 

“Yea.”

That reply had become so second nature to her it didn’t really matter whether or not it was true. Talking about feelings wasn’t her forte, and she didn’t like it when people started asking questions. She’s come to understand that people mean well, but sometimes things are better left alone.

Alone.

That word was profound to her in so many ways. It’s been the defining part of most of her life — although she knows she’s never actually been alone. She has plenty of friends. She’s had her fair share of relationships. A social butterfly, she made connections everywhere she went, and people seemed to flock to her without any conscious effort on her part. Strangers opened up to her all the time, (sometimes becoming a little too open) even when all she had done was smile at them. Yet, when she laid in bed at night she couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming emptiness. No matter how great life seemed on the surface, she never felt the joy that she’d seen others experience…at least not that she could recall. She’s heard people say that happiness is a choice. She wrestled with this thought constantly but could never quite grasp the concept. Who wouldn’t choose to be happy? Who doesn’t want to feel fulfilled? I mean yes people go through things — things that may feel unimaginably terrifying and never-ending. They experience the pain of loss. Loss of a loved one, loss of a dream, loss of something as trivial yet undeniably needed as money. But some sort of adversity is to be expected, because no one’s life is perfect. Life goes on even if we’re not ready to. People still need to get up and go to work, take care of their children, and most importantly — live their lives. Choose to remain positive and know — or at least hope — that the bad won’t last forever. But is that really choosing to be happy? Or just suppressing the sadness? “Fake it til’ you make it” she tells herself all the time, always failing miserably. Anyone with the ability to read her thoughts would probably feel sorry for her. Hell, they probably wouldn’t even last an hour in her head, wondering how someone can seem so normal — yet be so excruciatingly complicated, emotional, and maybe even a little bit crazy. 

Her problem is that her happiness has always been dependent on the people around her. Her motto is: if the people she loves are happy — then she’s happy. Her friends who are excelling in their careers and/or aspirations. That family member who is finally getting everything they worked for. That ex or crush who’s moved on or just doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings. Wanting happiness for the people she cares for regardless of where she is in her life, or how she feels. All her life she’s been a people pleaser. Never wanting to make anyone angry. Afraid to do or say anything that might make her lose those close to her. Sometimes holding on so tight she ends up losing them anyway. Willing to risk her health, her sanity — to keep others happy. Biting her tongue, swallowing her pride, and sucking it up because it’s not about her — it’s about the people around her. Because isn’t that what life is? Wanting people you love to be happy?

Her definition of love might be jaded — depending on who you ask — but her definition of happiness is definitely biased. What life has taught her about love, has somehow intertwined with her definition of happiness. 

Keep everyone happy and there will be peace. There will be no arguments, no feelings hurt, no one walking out on her. Continue to give all of herself to everyone by any means necessary, until there’s nothing left and she’s left feeling empty. Alone. Until she’s successfully avoided causing any pain, and instead has absorbed it all herself. Until she’s drained of happiness because…she has none left.

She’s become so focused on the people around her, that she’s not even sure she knows what it truly means to be happy. To be loved. To be proud of the person she is, and the woman she has become. To be happy she has people who are there for her. To have people who love her and that haven’t left her. To be happy she’s alive and to be willing to live not for other people — but for herself. 

She realizes that it’s time to allow herself to be happy. To not feel guilt or sorrow for the things she cannot control. To realize that people are human, they make mistakes, and get upset. To understand that maintaining everyone else’s happiness is not only unrealistic, but unhealthy. To know that just loving oneself should be enough happiness to last a lifetime. And learning that you can never truly be happy, until you put yourself first.

“Hey, you okay?”

Her reflection smiles back at her.

“Yea. I’ll be okay. So long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Suddenly the word alone brings on a whole new meaning. The true pursuit of happiness. And she’s okay with that.

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Copyright 2019 Christiana Parisien