Tag: heartbreak

Mother’s Day 2018

They say that time heals all…
So why is it that after every turn I hit a brick wall?
Every time that I’m about to reach the finish line I stall…
Because how can I possibly walk when I can barely crawl?
The more time that passes the more I feel like I’m going to explode
The more I think of your memories, the bigger the burden, the heavier the load.
The more and more I wish I could hug you everyday and tell you how much I love you so.
The more I wish I could run away…as long as I have you by my side I’m good to go.
So many questions unasked, so many things left unsaid
I miss you so much it hurts, I’d almost rather be dead.
A heart bigger than anyone I know-
I couldn’t understand it then, but now more than ever, I see your legacy continues to grow
But see the older I get the more I feel that I’ve reached an all time low
I’ve had people tell me to “Get over it.”- but they’ve never had a parent leave at 12 years old to protect them… so what the _____ do they know?
I’ve thought so many times about what I’d say if I ever saw you again,
And I feel if I never get the opportunity to- my heart may never be able to mend.
The root of who I am is you
And I think that from the moment you pushed me out- you realized it too.
So many milestones I wished we could’ve shared
Some impossible to celebrate because I just couldn’t bear
I remember my 13th birthday like it was yesterday… man life just ain’t fair.
I question if I can ever again be whole
How can I ever really be myself if I can’t even play the role?
I want more than anything to be at peace,
And for you to know that my love and admiration for you will never cease.
I will never stop searching for you until the day we reunite
Because whether it’s on earth or in heaven I won’t give up without a fight.
Mon coeur,
Mon âme,
Mon amour,
Until we meet again I just want to say,
Je t’aime maman and Happy Mother’s Day
Forever in my heart and in my prayers will you stay.

Copyright 2018 Christiana Parisien

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The Happiness Trap

Where do I begin? When does it end? Endless hurt and heartbreak I’m so far gone, my heart may never be able to mend.
I have a huge heart when it comes to those that I love
And when they abandon me I start to question the Lord up above
I know I’m not perfect, and I’m constantly trying to do better, to be better
But tears threaten to fall, as my thoughts come to life in this letter
You see I want nothing more than to be the woman I’m destined to be
I’ve been through hell and back and have overcome so many adversities
I look in the mirror and see a beautiful, intelligent, overachiever
Someone who doesn’t see failure as an option, a true believer
In all things positive when things are going well
But as soon as things hit rock bottom I feel trapped, as if stuck in a solitary confinement cell
My image becomes distorted and my past comes back to haunt me
It all goes back to that one faithful day you see
All I can think is mommy where’d you go, I thought we had a special connection…didn’t we?
Dad you weren’t around what can I say?
It’s been too long, so much was left unsaid – I had no choice but to keep you at bay
Now when I search for answers I’m always lost
When I try to figure things out, it’s always too late, never without a cost
Never without losing the ones I love and care for so much
Me myself and I, is who I can depend on I’ve learned to be my own crutch
I know all my strengths and my weaknesses I embrace
Only I have the power to change the things I don’t like, and my faults I must face
Life is a never ending journey and I’m in the drivers seat
With each accident along the way a part of me is lost, and all I’m left with is defeat
Never made completely whole again, never fully recovered
Only a small part of me discovered
The rest of me left uncovered
It always comes back the same
My thoughts threatening to drive me insane
Why can’t I figure it out, what’s wrong with me?
All I want is to be happy, to be set free
From all my demons of the past and to make peace internally
But still I drive and continue on life’s highway
Praying that each passing mile doesn’t lead me further astray
With no map, no guidance all I can do is take it day by day
Building my strength as I go, maybe eventually…I’ll learn to be okay.

Copyright 2016 Christiana Parisien

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Blank Page

Staring at this blank page, there are so many things I want to say, so much on my mind. My thoughts always seem to be running a marathon in my head.
I overthink everything and underestimate nothing.
Life comes at you fast, you just never know what could come of it.
I look back to 2 years ago and see how much I’ve changed, how much I’ve grown. Because the only constant in life is change. It’s funny isn’t it? When we’re kids all we want is to be adults and vice versa. When you’re 18 you think you know it all. You’re legally an adult so you must know all the world has to offer. It’s actually just the beginning. It’s when you really start to see the world, the real world. So many opportunities that await and so many people left to meet. The older you get, the more you realize how life is short, life is unfair and life is what you make it. You’ll lose people that you love without any good reason, sometimes without closure. You’ll always wonder why, or what if, or why me? They’ll always be better, always be more, but you have to love yourself and appreciate the things and people that are in your life now.
If there was one thing you could go back and change what would it be? I bet a major life changing event, loss, or regret comes to mind. We all wish we could change something about our past, fix that mistake we made, trade places with that loved one. I know I sure do, just being able to say goodbye, say I love you too…instead of the careless reaction of that last moment. What I wouldn’t give to have that. Man I’d give ANYTHING.
The truth is, our experiences make us who we are but it damn sure doesn’t make it hurt any less, make you miss the person any less, make you wonder why you didn’t cherish the time you had with them when you had the chance.
Life is funny, the way things work themselves out. The way things will happen and have you questioning your faith because you can’t fathom why it had to happen, and in the same sense some things can have you thanking God because it’s so unbelievable. What is life about really?

Love. Such a powerful entity. Something that has the power to uplift and break you down all in one. Something so amazing yet so scary.

Heartbreak. Anyone who’s experienced true heartbreak knows how painful it can be. It will make you question whether you ever want to love again. It will affect you in more ways than one, give you a different outlook on life, a new perspective.

Money. Because it makes the world go round right? You work your whole life to achieve stability and may even have to put your dreams on hold just to make a decent living.

Family and friends. They say blood is thicker than water and truth be told sometimes nobody has your back like family. Sometimes family is all someone has, all they know. And sometimes, friends can be more of a family to you than your own flesh and blood, can hold hold you down like no other.

Life…interesting isn’t it? So many lessons learned, yet so many things left to figure out. Even when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life will throw you a curveball and make you question everything all over again. Then you look back and see what those curveballs have shown you. How they have helped you to grow and how you wouldn’t be where you are today without them.
Staring at this page, I see it is no longer blank. Guess I’ve said all I’ve had to say, for now.

Copyright 2015 Christiana Parisien

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