Mother’s Day 2018

They say that time heals all…
So why is it that after every turn I hit a brick wall?
Every time that I’m about to reach the finish line I stall…
Because how can I possibly walk when I can barely crawl?
The more time that passes the more I feel like I’m going to explode
The more I think of your memories, the bigger the burden, the heavier the load.
The more and more I wish I could hug you everyday and tell you how much I love you so.
The more I wish I could run away…as long as I have you by my side I’m good to go.
So many questions unasked, so many things left unsaid
I miss you so much it hurts, I’d almost rather be dead.
A heart bigger than anyone I know-
I couldn’t understand it then, but now more than ever, I see your legacy continues to grow
But see the older I get the more I feel that I’ve reached an all time low
I’ve had people tell me to “Get over it.”- but they’ve never had a parent leave at 12 years old to protect them… so what the _____ do they know?
I’ve thought so many times about what I’d say if I ever saw you again,
And I feel if I never get the opportunity to- my heart may never be able to mend.
The root of who I am is you
And I think that from the moment you pushed me out- you realized it too.
So many milestones I wished we could’ve shared
Some impossible to celebrate because I just couldn’t bear
I remember my 13th birthday like it was yesterday… man life just ain’t fair.
I question if I can ever again be whole
How can I ever really be myself if I can’t even play the role?
I want more than anything to be at peace,
And for you to know that my love and admiration for you will never cease.
I will never stop searching for you until the day we reunite
Because whether it’s on earth or in heaven I won’t give up without a fight.
Mon coeur,
Mon âme,
Mon amour,
Until we meet again I just want to say,
Je t’aime maman and Happy Mother’s Day
Forever in my heart and in my prayers will you stay.


Copyright 2018 Christiana Parisien

The Happiness Trap

Where do I begin? When does it end? Endless hurt and heartbreak I’m so far gone, my heart may never be able to mend.
I have a huge heart when it comes to those that I love
And when they abandon me I start to question the Lord up above
I know I’m not perfect, and I’m constantly trying to do better, to be better
But tears threaten to fall, as my thoughts come to life in this letter
You see I want nothing more than to be the woman I’m destined to be
I’ve been through hell and back and have overcome so many adversities
I look in the mirror and see a beautiful, intelligent, overachiever
Someone who doesn’t see failure as an option, a true believer
In all things positive when things are going well
But as soon as things hit rock bottom I feel trapped, as if stuck in a solitary confinement cell
My image becomes distorted and my past comes back to haunt me
It all goes back to that one faithful day you see
All I can think is mommy where’d you go, I thought we had a special connection…didn’t we?
Dad you weren’t around what can I say?
It’s been too long, so much was left unsaid – I had no choice but to keep you at bay
Now when I search for answers I’m always lost
When I try to figure things out, it’s always too late, never without a cost
Never without losing the ones I love and care for so much
Me myself and I, is who I can depend on I’ve learned to be my own crutch
I know all my strengths and my weaknesses I embrace
Only I have the power to change the things I don’t like, and my faults I must face
Life is a never ending journey and I’m in the drivers seat
With each accident along the way a part of me is lost, and all I’m left with is defeat
Never made completely whole again, never fully recovered
Only a small part of me discovered
The rest of me left uncovered
It always comes back the same
My thoughts threatening to drive me insane
Why can’t I figure it out, what’s wrong with me?
All I want is to be happy, to be set free
From all my demons of the past and to make peace internally
But still I drive and continue on life’s highway
Praying that each passing mile doesn’t lead me further astray
With no map, no guidance all I can do is take it day by day
Building my strength as I go, maybe eventually…I’ll learn to be okay.


Copyright 2016 Christiana Parisien

Lost Chronicles

It’s so easy to get lost in this world. To be consumed by the material things and to let life’s troubles eat you alive. To lose yourself because you feel as though you’ve given so much to one person, you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be yourself. Love is unrequited. It’s patient, kind, doesn’t boast and it isn’t proud. It’s everything in this world and without it we would have nothing.

Love begins with family, the love from our parents, our siblings, aunts, cousins and even those who we’ve come to accept as family. That is the foundation for how we see ourselves and how we learn to love other people. With each relationship that transpires we learn lessons, but we also bring baggage, hurt, a newfound understanding of the person we want to be with. It’s not always easy to forget the past. To forget the hurt, or the infidelities or things we’ve done. We get defensive and closed off. Not wanting to love fully. Not wanting to open up to one person fully. For fear of being hurt or taken advantage of. Hurting them before they can hurt you. Leaving them before they have the chance to leave you. Self sabotaging so that you expedite “the inevitable”. Because YOU are the most important person to you, so you have to look out for yourself because no one’s got you like you got you…right?

Or are you just creating self fulfilling prophecies? Are you just overthinking and creating scenarios that don’t really exist? Are you missing out on what could be something amazing, maybe the best you’ve ever experienced, because you’re scared? Afraid to love again, to trust again, to be happy again. To work hard and fight instead of taking the easy route. Leaving is easy, staying is the hard part.

You can get lost without you even realizing it and it’s so simple to just accept it, to let it happen and continue down the rabbit hole. Finding your way back is a roller coaster ride, a maze that seems to never end. But once you’ve looked deep inside yourself, you see a true reflection of your soul. You see things more clearly and learn that you are not perfect, and learn to accept all your flaws. Take every experience as a lesson and a piece to the puzzle. Learn that everyone will lose who they are, before finding out who they are truly meant to be. And each time you come back a much stronger, wiser and even better version of yourself.


Copyright 2015 Christiana Parisien

Revelations

The eyes are the windows to the soul
The true representation of ones self
The ability to see someone for who they are, beyond the physical

The sound of a girls’ cry can be heard in the distance. From afar all she can see is a small skeletal frame, huddled in a corner. Unable to walk away from such a disheartening sight she approaches the little girl. “Are you okay?” The girl looks up but says nothing. Upon closer observation she can see the girl can be no older than 7 or 8. “Where are your parents?” The girl stares blankly at her, maintaining her silence. Her face is stained with tears and her hair matted. Her clothes look as though they’ve had their fair share of use and her feet are bare and caked with dirt. Growing impatient she tries once more to connect with the big brown eyes staring back at her, “My name is Anabelle, what’s yours?”

The girl says nothing and lays her head between her knees, her back against the wall of the abandoned building facing the river. Anabelle sighs and looks up to the sky. The dark clouds and heavy overcast seem to correlate with her overall mood. She plops down next to the girl, careful to not sit too close for fear she’ll run away. A chill runs through Annabelle despite the warm August day. It’s almost as though she’s met this girl in a past life, she feels a connection to her, almost like a gravitational pull. “Are you hungry?” Met with silence, she removes a bottle of water and sandwich from her bag and offers it to the girl. Without hesitation, the young girl diminishes the goods almost as quickly as it was handed to her. Trying to hide her sympathy, she stares out onto to the river. She turns to find those brown sad eyes looking up at her, saying thank you. Nodding her head in acknowledgment, she turns back to the river as to not stare.

She’d never seen or met this girl before today, before this moment, but she couldn’t fight the compelling desire to speak about her innermost feelings. “It feels like my life is at a standstill, there’s all this pressure to be something I’m not. To conform to everyone else’s standards and ideals when I already have values of my own.” The little girl inches closer to her but does not speak. “I want to live a life that is my own, one that is not dependent upon my surroundings and situations, one where I determine my future. I lost someone a while back…and I’ve never come to terms with it, never knew what to do with those feelings. I’ve felt lost ever since and came here in hopes of finding some answers, maybe even closure. The problem is I have no idea what I am searching for and feel more out of touch with reality than ever.” The little girl reaches out, her small delicate hand touching Anabelle’s face. Their eyes meet and Anabelle notices that the girls’ eyes have transitioned from what seemed like a sad dark brown, to a compassionate and empathetic hazel gray. Without uttering a sound, the girls’ eyes seemed to say, “I understand, I can see right through you.”

Before long, Anabelle is no longer staring at a pair of eyes, but at a younger version of herself. Somehow the scenery has transformed and she has been brought back to the past. She watches the visual movie reel as her life flashes before her eyes. All the hard times, the painful memories. It stops in an instant and everything is still. She is now staring at the one she lost, the reason she has been on a journey to find answers. Having dreamt of this day for so long, she wants nothing more than to hug them, to say everything she’d never had the opportunity to. But instead she is speechless. She is about to mutter “I love you”, but as soon as she opens her mouth to speak, they vanish. Instead she is brought back to the present and she is staring once again into the eyes of the young girl. Except now the young girl has changed her appearance, she almost looks like…Anabelle.

She closes her eyes and the realization hits her as clear as day. The answers she has been seeking, the person she wishes to find, is the one that lives within. She opens her eyes. There, along the river, are a bed of lilacs- a favorite of the one she’s lost. She looks up to see the clouds have given way to a bright sunshine and align in the shape of a heart. She can see the faint distinction of the words, “I love you too” written in the middle.

She smiles, for the one she longs for, the one she misses, remains engraved in her heart. Anabelle turns to say bye to the little girl, only to find she has vanished.

She is no longer the girl that once was.


Copyright 2015 Christiana Parisien

Tryna find herself

This journey called life, she’s tryna find herself
Trying to put the past behind her she’s beside herself
No idea where’s shes going but that won’t stop her
The road to success is a tough one but there’s no stopping no matter who or what tries to defer
Never forget where she came from but always remember
The past doesn’t define you it’s what you do from January to December
Life is what you make it
No matter how the shoe fits
Your experiences can make or break you
But what matters is the lessons you learn and the person it molds you into
This journey called life she’s tryna find herself
Trying to be a better person, trying to make amends with herself
Being selfish, for once putting her needs first
But nothing ever seems to go as planned, always seems to get worst
Things take time, and time heals all
But how come every time she tries, she falls?
She wants so badly to be the woman she was meant to be
despite her downfalls, imperfections and adversities
This journey called life, she’s tryna find herself
Full of twists and turns she wonders will she ever find herself ?
Will she ever be all that she was destined to be?
Completely independent and emotionally debt free?
More than her looks, she wants to be recognized for such
But all guys seem to notice is what’s on the surface to touch
The road to success is a tough one she knows
And on her journey she wonders how many friends will turn into foes
As time moves on and things change,
So many people and things become estranged
Everything happens for a reason she is told,
But until something great comes of that she won’t be sold
Watching the people you love walk out of your life doesn’t seem meant to be,
She’s tired of people telling her how to feel without bothering to walk a mile in her shoes, how could you possibly see?
This journey called life she’s tryna find herself
Wishing she could see into the future and see how she lived
Wishing she could rewind to the past and undo some of the things that she did
Wishing herself back to the present she tries to bury her doubts along with all of the negativities that she’s hid
This journey called life she’s trying to find herself,
Will she ever find success,
Will she ever truly find herself ?


Copyright 2014 Christiana Parisien