Tag: life

Blank Page

Staring at this blank page, there are so many things I want to say, so much on my mind. My thoughts always seem to be running a marathon in my head.
I overthink everything and underestimate nothing.
Life comes at you fast, you just never know what could come of it.
I look back to 2 years ago and see how much I’ve changed, how much I’ve grown. Because the only constant in life is change. It’s funny isn’t it? When we’re kids all we want is to be adults and vice versa. When you’re 18 you think you know it all. You’re legally an adult so you must know all the world has to offer. It’s actually just the beginning. It’s when you really start to see the world, the real world. So many opportunities that await and so many people left to meet. The older you get, the more you realize how life is short, life is unfair and life is what you make it. You’ll lose people that you love without any good reason, sometimes without closure. You’ll always wonder why, or what if, or why me? They’ll always be better, always be more, but you have to love yourself and appreciate the things and people that are in your life now.
If there was one thing you could go back and change what would it be? I bet a major life changing event, loss, or regret comes to mind. We all wish we could change something about our past, fix that mistake we made, trade places with that loved one. I know I sure do, just being able to say goodbye, say I love you too…instead of the careless reaction of that last moment. What I wouldn’t give to have that. Man I’d give ANYTHING.
The truth is, our experiences make us who we are but it damn sure doesn’t make it hurt any less, make you miss the person any less, make you wonder why you didn’t cherish the time you had with them when you had the chance.
Life is funny, the way things work themselves out. The way things will happen and have you questioning your faith because you can’t fathom why it had to happen, and in the same sense some things can have you thanking God because it’s so unbelievable. What is life about really?

Love. Such a powerful entity. Something that has the power to uplift and break you down all in one. Something so amazing yet so scary.

Heartbreak. Anyone who’s experienced true heartbreak knows how painful it can be. It will make you question whether you ever want to love again. It will affect you in more ways than one, give you a different outlook on life, a new perspective.

Money. Because it makes the world go round right? You work your whole life to achieve stability and may even have to put your dreams on hold just to make a decent living.

Family and friends. They say blood is thicker than water and truth be told sometimes nobody has your back like family. Sometimes family is all someone has, all they know. And sometimes, friends can be more of a family to you than your own flesh and blood, can hold hold you down like no other.

Life…interesting isn’t it? So many lessons learned, yet so many things left to figure out. Even when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life will throw you a curveball and make you question everything all over again. Then you look back and see what those curveballs have shown you. How they have helped you to grow and how you wouldn’t be where you are today without them.
Staring at this page, I see it is no longer blank. Guess I’ve said all I’ve had to say, for now.

Copyright 2015 Christiana Parisien

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Revelations

The eyes are the windows to the soul
The true representation of ones self
The ability to see someone for who they are, beyond the physical

The sound of a girls’ cry can be heard in the distance. From afar all she can see is a small skeletal frame, huddled in a corner. Unable to walk away from such a disheartening sight she approaches the little girl. “Are you okay?” The girl looks up but says nothing. Upon closer observation she can see the girl can be no older than 7 or 8. “Where are your parents?” The girl stares blankly at her, maintaining her silence. Her face is stained with tears and her hair matted. Her clothes look as though they’ve had their fair share of use and her feet are bare and caked with dirt. Growing impatient she tries once more to connect with the big brown eyes staring back at her, “My name is Anabelle, what’s yours?”

The girl says nothing and lays her head between her knees, her back against the wall of the abandoned building facing the river. Anabelle sighs and looks up to the sky. The dark clouds and heavy overcast seem to correlate with her overall mood. She plops down next to the girl, careful to not sit too close for fear she’ll run away. A chill runs through Annabelle despite the warm August day. It’s almost as though she’s met this girl in a past life, she feels a connection to her, almost like a gravitational pull. “Are you hungry?” Met with silence, she removes a bottle of water and sandwich from her bag and offers it to the girl. Without hesitation, the young girl diminishes the goods almost as quickly as it was handed to her. Trying to hide her sympathy, she stares out onto to the river. She turns to find those brown sad eyes looking up at her, saying thank you. Nodding her head in acknowledgment, she turns back to the river as to not stare.

She’d never seen or met this girl before today, before this moment, but she couldn’t fight the compelling desire to speak about her innermost feelings. “It feels like my life is at a standstill, there’s all this pressure to be something I’m not. To conform to everyone else’s standards and ideals when I already have values of my own.” The little girl inches closer to her but does not speak. “I want to live a life that is my own, one that is not dependent upon my surroundings and situations, one where I determine my future. I lost someone a while back…and I’ve never come to terms with it, never knew what to do with those feelings. I’ve felt lost ever since and came here in hopes of finding some answers, maybe even closure. The problem is I have no idea what I am searching for and feel more out of touch with reality than ever.” The little girl reaches out, her small delicate hand touching Anabelle’s face. Their eyes meet and Anabelle notices that the girls’ eyes have transitioned from what seemed like a sad dark brown, to a compassionate and empathetic hazel gray. Without uttering a sound, the girls’ eyes seemed to say, “I understand, I can see right through you.”

Before long, Anabelle is no longer staring at a pair of eyes, but at a younger version of herself. Somehow the scenery has transformed and she has been brought back to the past. She watches the visual movie reel as her life flashes before her eyes. All the hard times, the painful memories. It stops in an instant and everything is still. She is now staring at the one she lost, the reason she has been on a journey to find answers. Having dreamt of this day for so long, she wants nothing more than to hug them, to say everything she’d never had the opportunity to. But instead she is speechless. She is about to mutter “I love you”, but as soon as she opens her mouth to speak, they vanish. Instead she is brought back to the present and she is staring once again into the eyes of the young girl. Except now the young girl has changed her appearance, she almost looks like…Anabelle.

She closes her eyes and the realization hits her as clear as day. The answers she has been seeking, the person she wishes to find, is the one that lives within. She opens her eyes. There, along the river, are a bed of lilacs- a favorite of the one she’s lost. She looks up to see the clouds have given way to a bright sunshine and align in the shape of a heart. She can see the faint distinction of the words, “I love you too” written in the middle.

She smiles, for the one she longs for, the one she misses, remains engraved in her heart. Anabelle turns to say bye to the little girl, only to find she has vanished.

She is no longer the girl that once was.

Copyright 2015 Christiana Parisien

Posted on by Christiana 1

LIFE

Sometimes I think I’m too nice of a person, sometimes I realize that I can be really selfish. I try my best to see things from other peoples perspectives and be open minded and I try not to judge. A lot of times I think I’m way too emotional but others I think maybe I should be a little more in touch with my feelings. I cry often – when I’m mad, sad or just plain agitated …but I am terrible with confrontation and hate expressing my feelings. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling weak. I hate being taken advantage of and I hate myself for allowing it to happen. I try hard to be someone ppl could look up to, ppl would enjoy having a conversation with, someone who will be memorable even after I die and won’t be just another pretty face. I want to see my funeral. I want to see who shows up, who has nice things to say, who has terrible things to say. Who sheds tears and claims we we were the best of friends when we barely exchanged more than 2 words. Who will remember me and who will forget as soon as the funeral is done. Who’s hearts I will thrive in and who’s minds I will have left an impression. Who truly cared about me and truly mourn my loss and who wishes I were still around. People are strange and amazing creatures. So many different personalities and cultures and backgrounds. So many different morals, ethics and values. Each person is an individual no matter how many categories they fall into. So many ignorant and close minded individuals who do not wish to strive for better. Who do not strive to learn more and to grow more. Who are stuck in their ways and have a one track mind. So many individuals who are intelligent, determined and have a thirst for knowledge. Who either have something to bring to the table or search for something to bring. People who love life and understand that you cannot simply exist, you must live it. People who understand the difference between opinion and fact. Dreams and goals. The idea of success and the roller coaster ride that it actually is. Determination and just taking whatever life gives you. People are human and will inevitably make mistakes. But although we all on some level understand this, we criticize ourselves and others for being imperfect, for making mistakes, for not being all knowing. We disown, break up, pull away from people who make mistakes, although we ourselves make mistakes. Constantly. Although we know that we learn from these mistakes, we criticize others for being just as human as we are. The act of forgiveness and understanding is hard. It’s a difficult concept to comprehend and even if it is understood, things are always easier said than done. Even if you come to realize that forgiveness is not about the other person. That It’s not about the wrong they’ve done to you. When you realize It’s about you, and when you realize holding a grudge is doing more damage to yourself than the individual. When you realize it’s about a bigger picture, a higher being- when you realize it’s about God and your faith. If God can forgive us for all sins no matter how big or small, and all sin is considered equal, why can’t we forgive each other? Why can’t we realize that it takes more energy to be angry than to forgive? That life is short and we must treat every day like it’s our last. That people come into our lives for a reason and at some point you will need those people. That at one point you will need someone who won’t give up on you or have encountered someone who didn’t give up on you, so why did you give up on them? Because in society, things are easier said than done. It it easier to give up on something or someone because you’re not willing to fight. Because fighting would mean working harder to keep your job. Working harder to keep your significant other, to save your marriage, to keep your children in your life. Fighting would mean having to ride the never ending bumpy ride that is life instead of taking the easy way out and ending your existence. Fighting means having to put in time and effort into the people and the things you care about so you don’t lose them. So you don’t lose yourself. It’s so easy to lose yourself in this world. To lose sight of what’s important. To realize what is a necessity and what is a luxury. To decide what is really valuable to you and what you would really miss if it was gone forever. It is easy to lose yourself trying to conform to society’s standards and expectations. Trying to stand out and be an individual. You can lose yourself on your journey of finding yourself, seeing who you really are, what it is you really want out of life. You can lose sight of your faith and start to question things you never could fathom thinking before. People are strange and amazing creatures. Life is more than just the state you live in. More than the country you reside in. There is a whole world out there waiting to be seen. New experiences to be had. New relationships to be made. New opportunities to take advantage of. The world is not black and white, there are 50 shades of gray with a broad spectrum in between. Awaiting you. Life’s best teacher is experience. Trial and error. So go out there and be the best student you can be, your future awaits.

Copyright 2014 Christiana Parisien

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Destiny

Pain changes people. For better or worse, it changes people. Every experience in life is a lesson learned and you grow from that experience. You learn what not to do or what you should do next time. You become stronger in your faith or you lose some of your faith. Pain makes you think, makes you wonder, causes you to make decisions, take actions you might regret. Pain is everything in life and nothing in life. It is inevitable that you will face pain in your life, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. It can take over you, consume you, and either break you down or make you stronger. Or both. Some say we have control over our destiny. That decisions we make will impact our future. True to some extent, even if I wasn’t a believer in God I would have to disagree. Because as human beings, we are imperfect, we are all ignorant on some level, we continue to mature and grow until the day we die. Therefore how can we be in control of our destiny when we make bad decisions, we make mistakes, and we have no idea what the future holds? What opportunities we will miss and which ones we shouldn’t have taken? How can we determine our destiny when we don’t even know what that destiny is?

Copyright 2014 Christiana Parisien

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Who is She

She looks in the mirror, wondering who the girl is she sees.
She examines all aspects of her imperfections and acknowledges none of her beauty.
She criticizes her life as she is deep in thought.
Thoughts about her physique have now evolved into thoughts about her soul, her mind.
She acknowledges her intelligence, she praises her accomplishments.
She gazes more intently at her reflection and begins to wonder.
What is she doing?
Where is she going?
Who is she?
She thinks back to her past, her childhood
A single tear as she begins to relive her memories.
Soon she cannot hold back any longer and she is crying.
She cries until she can no longer,
Carrying the weight of all the pain she’s had to bear
Wondering to herself, “why me?”
She takes a deep breath
She curses herself for being so emotional
For being unhappy with the person she is
For having come so far, to still have miles to go
For allowing herself to feel weak although deep down she knows she is strong
She digs deep inside herself and shuts her eyes.
She is strong.
She has overcome trials and tribulations and made it through situations she never thought she could
She has grown from a girl to a woman
She has become in an intellectual who strives to be an elitist
She has become someone she never thought she would and never thought she could
She opens her eyes staring once again at her reflection
Wishing she knew what to do
Who she was
How to be happy.
She stares at her reflection,
Wondering,
Who am I
Who is she
She is me.

Copyright 2014 Christiana Parisien

Posted on by Christiana 0