Blank Page

Staring at this blank page, there are so many things I want to say, so much on my mind. My thoughts always seem to be running a marathon in my head.
I overthink everything and underestimate nothing.
Life comes at you fast, you just never know what could come of it.
I look back to 2 years ago and see how much I’ve changed, how much I’ve grown. Because the only constant in life is change. It’s funny isn’t it? When we’re kids all we want is to be adults and vice versa. When you’re 18 you think you know it all. You’re legally an adult so you must know all the world has to offer. It’s actually just the beginning. It’s when you really start to see the world, the real world. So many opportunities that await and so many people left to meet. The older you get, the more you realize how life is short, life is unfair and life is what you make it. You’ll lose people that you love without any good reason, sometimes without closure. You’ll always wonder why, or what if, or why me? They’ll always be better, always be more, but you have to love yourself and appreciate the things and people that are in your life now.
If there was one thing you could go back and change what would it be? I bet a major life changing event, loss, or regret comes to mind. We all wish we could change something about our past, fix that mistake we made, trade places with that loved one. I know I sure do, just being able to say goodbye, say I love you too…instead of the careless reaction of that last moment. What I wouldn’t give to have that. Man I’d give ANYTHING.
The truth is, our experiences make us who we are but it damn sure doesn’t make it hurt any less, make you miss the person any less, make you wonder why you didn’t cherish the time you had with them when you had the chance.
Life is funny, the way things work themselves out. The way things will happen and have you questioning your faith because you can’t fathom why it had to happen, and in the same sense some things can have you thanking God because it’s so unbelievable. What is life about really?

Love. Such a powerful entity. Something that has the power to uplift and break you down all in one. Something so amazing yet so scary.

Heartbreak. Anyone who’s experienced true heartbreak knows how painful it can be. It will make you question whether you ever want to love again. It will affect you in more ways than one, give you a different outlook on life, a new perspective.

Money. Because it makes the world go round right? You work your whole life to achieve stability and may even have to put your dreams on hold just to make a decent living.

Family and friends. They say blood is thicker than water and truth be told sometimes nobody has your back like family. Sometimes family is all someone has, all they know. And sometimes, friends can be more of a family to you than your own flesh and blood, can hold hold you down like no other.

Life…interesting isn’t it? So many lessons learned, yet so many things left to figure out. Even when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life will throw you a curveball and make you question everything all over again. Then you look back and see what those curveballs have shown you. How they have helped you to grow and how you wouldn’t be where you are today without them.
Staring at this page, I see it is no longer blank. Guess I’ve said all I’ve had to say, for now.

Posted on January 13, 2015May 13, 2018 by Christiana 0

Revelations

The eyes are the windows to the soul
The true representation of ones self
The ability to see someone for who they are, beyond the physical

The sound of a girls’ cry can be heard in the distance. From afar all she can see is a small skeletal frame, huddled in a corner. Unable to walk away from such a disheartening sight she approaches the little girl. “Are you okay?” The girl looks up but says nothing. Upon closer observation she can see the girl can be no older than 7 or 8. “Where are your parents?” The girl stares blankly at her, maintaining her silence. Her face is stained with tears and her hair matted. Her clothes look as though they’ve had their fair share of use and her feet are bare and caked with dirt. Growing impatient she tries once more to connect with the big brown eyes staring back at her, “My name is Anabelle, what’s yours?”

The girl says nothing and lays her head between her knees, her back against the wall of the abandoned building facing the river. Anabelle sighs and looks up to the sky. The dark clouds and heavy overcast seem to correlate with her overall mood. She plops down next to the girl, careful to not sit too close for fear she’ll run away. A chill runs through Annabelle despite the warm August day. It’s almost as though she’s met this girl in a past life, she feels a connection to her, almost like a gravitational pull. “Are you hungry?” Met with silence, she removes a bottle of water and sandwich from her bag and offers it to the girl. Without hesitation, the young girl diminishes the goods almost as quickly as it was handed to her. Trying to hide her sympathy, she stares out onto to the river. She turns to find those brown sad eyes looking up at her, saying thank you. Nodding her head in acknowledgment, she turns back to the river as to not stare.

She’d never seen or met this girl before today, before this moment, but she couldn’t fight the compelling desire to speak about her innermost feelings. “It feels like my life is at a standstill, there’s all this pressure to be something I’m not. To conform to everyone else’s standards and ideals when I already have values of my own.” The little girl inches closer to her but does not speak. “I want to live a life that is my own, one that is not dependent upon my surroundings and situations, one where I determine my future. I lost someone a while back…and I’ve never come to terms with it, never knew what to do with those feelings. I’ve felt lost ever since and came here in hopes of finding some answers, maybe even closure. The problem is I have no idea what I am searching for and feel more out of touch with reality than ever.” The little girl reaches out, her small delicate hand touching Anabelle’s face. Their eyes meet and Anabelle notices that the girls’ eyes have transitioned from what seemed like a sad dark brown, to a compassionate and empathetic hazel gray. Without uttering a sound, the girls’ eyes seemed to say, “I understand, I can see right through you.”

Before long, Anabelle is no longer staring at a pair of eyes, but at a younger version of herself. Somehow the scenery has transformed and she has been brought back to the past. She watches the visual movie reel as her life flashes before her eyes. All the hard times, the painful memories. It stops in an instant and everything is still. She is now staring at the one she lost, the reason she has been on a journey to find answers. Having dreamt of this day for so long, she wants nothing more than to hug them, to say everything she’d never had the opportunity to. But instead she is speechless. She is about to mutter “I love you”, but as soon as she opens her mouth to speak, they vanish. Instead she is brought back to the present and she is staring once again into the eyes of the young girl. Except now the young girl has changed her appearance, she almost looks like…Anabelle.

She closes her eyes and the realization hits her as clear as day. The answers she has been seeking, the person she wishes to find, is the one that lives within. She opens her eyes. There, along the river, are a bed of lilacs- a favorite of the one she’s lost. She looks up to see the clouds have given way to a bright sunshine and align in the shape of a heart. She can see the faint distinction of the words, “I love you too” written in the middle.

She smiles, for the one she longs for, the one she misses, remains engraved in her heart. Anabelle turns to say bye to the little girl, only to find she has vanished.

She is no longer the girl that once was.

Posted on January 6, 2015May 13, 2018 by Christiana 1

Ferguson

Eyes follow him as he walks throughout the store
Shots fired as he reaches for the candy in his pocket
Gunned down before he even makes it to the alter
Killed even though he had his hands up in surrender
In the land of the “free”,
civil rights are revoked and justice turns the other cheek
Those that are meant to protect and serve,
instead contribute to lives lost
Pulling the trigger first and asking questions later
Not stopping to think of that person as a human being,
as someone’s son, brother, husband or friend
While they go home and enjoy the luxury of tucking in their kids at night,
someone’s family is planning a funeral
Someone’s world has been shattered into pieces and turned upside down
Black, White, Hispanic or Asian
No one deserves to die
People end up in the wrong place, at the wrong time
People make mistakes, make bad decisions
But only God can judge us.
only he has the right to determine who remains on this earth
It’s not an issue of Black and White some say,
because people want to pretend that racism no longer exists
That because movements have taken place, and laws have been enforced,
stereotypes don’t exist and racial profiling is unheard of
But even though we’ve come so far,
in the year 2014 it is still prevalent.
This is the beginning of a revolution, a war
And the people say no more
I am tired
They are tired
WE are tired
In the land of the free,
people have the privilege of defending their 15th amendment rights
And so it begins
And for those who say it is pointless. It is only temporary, or that it won’t make a difference…
We understand your lack of courage and pity your ignorance
If you do not stand for something,
You will fall for anything
So why not stand up for what’s right?
Before falling for what you know is wrong