I used to think, “I’m gonna be different.” I am going to make something of myself, I won’t allow history to repeat itself, and most importantly I won’t end up like her. Always afraid of change and disorder. Afraid to live life to its fullest because being safe was always the more appealing option.Yet, it seems, the harder I try to be different from her, the more I realize we are the same.

Your love was everything. You never let one day go by without telling me how much you loved me. Even after getting a beating, you always said you were sorry, that you loved me, and that you just wanted me to listen. The more I grow and mature, one thing always remains the same. I love hard. When I love I’m all in. Whether it be family, friend or significant other, I want nothing more than to spread the love I have and to make sure the people I care about know how much I love them.

Stubbornness. Probably the most stubborn woman I know, you never let anything deter you from your beliefs-right or wrong. You would argue until the sun came up and would not stop until you had the last word. I’ve realized a long time ago that I am extremely hard headed. It doesn’t matter what anyone tells me, I’m going to do what I want regardless. I don’t take well to authority, and I definitely don’t like being told what to do. When I sit back and think about situations where my stubbornness took over, I can’t help but think about you, and how you’ve always been so head strong.

Simplicity. I will never forget the day you told me why you stopped wearing jewelry. I was a baby, and you were on your way to visit my Godmother in Brooklyn. It was late at night, and the only source of illumination were the street lights. You were walking from the train station with me in the stroller. A man in a ski mask came up to you and asked for your purse and jewelry. You refused. He snatched your purse and yanked your necklace off of your neck. Terrified, you got right back on the train and took us straight home. I remember as I was hearing the story, I could feel your pain, the terror, and it was like I was reliving that moment with you. For as long as I could remember you stayed makeup free (except of course for your lipstick obsession) and I would be shocked when I saw old pictures of you with a full face of makeup on. I think about how now I love being natural but always feel the need for lipstick, or lipgloss. How I don’t own much jewelry and I have my “everyday” jewelry that I might interchange once in a while. How I love everything natural and organic and stay informed on natural oils that will keep my hair and skin healthy. I remember you always complaining that my hair was kinky and getting frustrated when trying to style it. Trying out different oils- like carrot oil, to help manage the detangling and combing. I remember asking you when I was 10 if I could dye my hair, and you agreed to let me so long as it was a natural dye. At the time I was upset because I wanted a permanent color, but now I am grateful that you decided not to chemically treat my hair. My style has always been so simple yet fashionable, just like you.

Emotions. Well we both love so hard it hurts. The love you have for your children, especially for me felt stifling. Now I long for it. I remember 9/11, when they kept playing the plane crashing into the building on TV. You were crying hysterically. And I asked, “Mommy why are you crying?” And you said to me, “I am crying for all the lives lost.” I was so confused. I couldn’t understand why you were so emotional about people you’ve never even met. Now I see, your heart was so pure that the world’s tragedies were just too much to bear. I find myself getting emotional now about news stories, and I always think back to that day. I think about how my uncle- your brother, told me about how you had a mental breakdown. A depressive episode so bad that you had to be hospitalized. When your husband left you, you just couldn’t take it. I remember feeling so sad hearing this but not fully understanding. Now looking back, I can see myself in your shoes. I think back to my first love and how I went into a complete state of depression after we broke up, and an even worse depression when my ex and I broke up. What is it about you and I? What is it with our emotions? We’re so easily troubled, so ready to give all our love, completely heartbroken when we lose the ones that we love. We’re empathetic yet short-tempered. Loving yet impatient and no nonsense people. Both Libras who just want the best for those we love. More than what we want for ourselves.

I see myself in you almost everyday. Even when I’m not directly thinking about you. Even when I get upset because I feel like my memories of you are fading. And even when I think of the bad parts of my childhood. You live in my heart and soul and I could never forget you, even if I tried. I used to think being like you, or even becoming you was a bad thing. I made it my mission to be everything you’re not. But you the know the funny thing is- the harder you try not to be like your parents, is the more you realize that you’re just like them. The more I see myself in you, the scarier it becomes. There will always be that fear in the back of my head. What if I become mentally unstable? What if I push everyone away, and isolate myself to the point that all I have left is my immediate family? “What if?” is the daunting question in my mind every single day. But what if I am becoming you? A better version of you? With all of the good parts and even some of the bad? What if I’m meant to do all the things you couldn’t? Achieve all the things that you could not obtain? Be everything God intended me to be, and the person you imagine me to be?

Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts, and sometimes I’m grateful that things happened the way they did. One thing is for sure, I am no longer in denial and I’m learning to embrace what I know to be true. I am my mother’s daughter, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

---

Copyright 2017 Christiana Parisien