Tag: oneself

The Pursuit of Happiness

“You okay?” 

“Yea.”

That reply had become so second nature to her it didn’t really matter whether or not it was true. Talking about feelings wasn’t her forte, and she didn’t like it when people started asking questions. She’s come to understand that people mean well, but sometimes things are better left alone.

Alone.

That word was profound to her in so many ways. It’s been the defining part of most of her life — although she knows she’s never actually been alone. She has plenty of friends. She’s had her fair share of relationships. A social butterfly, she made connections everywhere she went, and people seemed to flock to her without any conscious effort on her part. Strangers opened up to her all the time, (sometimes becoming a little too open) even when all she had done was smile at them. Yet, when she laid in bed at night she couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming emptiness. No matter how great life seemed on the surface, she never felt the joy that she’d seen others experience…at least not that she could recall. She’s heard people say that happiness is a choice. She wrestled with this thought constantly but could never quite grasp the concept. Who wouldn’t choose to be happy? Who doesn’t want to feel fulfilled? I mean yes people go through things — things that may feel unimaginably terrifying and never-ending. They experience the pain of loss. Loss of a loved one, loss of a dream, loss of something as trivial yet undeniably needed as money. But some sort of adversity is to be expected, because no one’s life is perfect. Life goes on even if we’re not ready to. People still need to get up and go to work, take care of their children, and most importantly — live their lives. Choose to remain positive and know — or at least hope — that the bad won’t last forever. But is that really choosing to be happy? Or just suppressing the sadness? “Fake it til’ you make it” she tells herself all the time, always failing miserably. Anyone with the ability to read her thoughts would probably feel sorry for her. Hell, they probably wouldn’t even last an hour in her head, wondering how someone can seem so normal — yet be so excruciatingly complicated, emotional, and maybe even a little bit crazy. 

Her problem is that her happiness has always been dependent on the people around her. Her motto is: if the people she loves are happy — then she’s happy. Her friends who are excelling in their careers and/or aspirations. That family member who is finally getting everything they worked for. That ex or crush who’s moved on or just doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings. Wanting happiness for the people she cares for regardless of where she is in her life, or how she feels. All her life she’s been a people pleaser. Never wanting to make anyone angry. Afraid to do or say anything that might make her lose those close to her. Sometimes holding on so tight she ends up losing them anyway. Willing to risk her health, her sanity — to keep others happy. Biting her tongue, swallowing her pride, and sucking it up because it’s not about her — it’s about the people around her. Because isn’t that what life is? Wanting people you love to be happy?

Her definition of love might be jaded — depending on who you ask — but her definition of happiness is definitely biased. What life has taught her about love, has somehow intertwined with her definition of happiness. 

Keep everyone happy and there will be peace. There will be no arguments, no feelings hurt, no one walking out on her. Continue to give all of herself to everyone by any means necessary, until there’s nothing left and she’s left feeling empty. Alone. Until she’s successfully avoided causing any pain, and instead has absorbed it all herself. Until she’s drained of happiness because…she has none left.

She’s become so focused on the people around her, that she’s not even sure she knows what it truly means to be happy. To be loved. To be proud of the person she is, and the woman she has become. To be happy she has people who are there for her. To have people who love her and that haven’t left her. To be happy she’s alive and to be willing to live not for other people — but for herself. 

She realizes that it’s time to allow herself to be happy. To not feel guilt or sorrow for the things she cannot control. To realize that people are human, they make mistakes, and get upset. To understand that maintaining everyone else’s happiness is not only unrealistic, but unhealthy. To know that just loving oneself should be enough happiness to last a lifetime. And learning that you can never truly be happy, until you put yourself first.

“Hey, you okay?”

Her reflection smiles back at her.

“Yea. I’ll be okay. So long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Suddenly the word alone brings on a whole new meaning. The true pursuit of happiness. And she’s okay with that.

Copyright 2019 Christiana Parisien

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Mother’s Day 2018

They say that time heals all…
So why is it that after every turn I hit a brick wall?
Every time that I’m about to reach the finish line I stall…
Because how can I possibly walk when I can barely crawl?
The more time that passes the more I feel like I’m going to explode
The more I think of your memories, the bigger the burden, the heavier the load.
The more and more I wish I could hug you everyday and tell you how much I love you so.
The more I wish I could run away…as long as I have you by my side I’m good to go.
So many questions unasked, so many things left unsaid
I miss you so much it hurts, I’d almost rather be dead.
A heart bigger than anyone I know-
I couldn’t understand it then, but now more than ever, I see your legacy continues to grow
But see the older I get the more I feel that I’ve reached an all time low
I’ve had people tell me to “Get over it.”- but they’ve never had a parent leave at 12 years old to protect them… so what the _____ do they know?
I’ve thought so many times about what I’d say if I ever saw you again,
And I feel if I never get the opportunity to- my heart may never be able to mend.
The root of who I am is you
And I think that from the moment you pushed me out- you realized it too.
So many milestones I wished we could’ve shared
Some impossible to celebrate because I just couldn’t bear
I remember my 13th birthday like it was yesterday… man life just ain’t fair.
I question if I can ever again be whole
How can I ever really be myself if I can’t even play the role?
I want more than anything to be at peace,
And for you to know that my love and admiration for you will never cease.
I will never stop searching for you until the day we reunite
Because whether it’s on earth or in heaven I won’t give up without a fight.
Mon coeur,
Mon âme,
Mon amour,
Until we meet again I just want to say,
Je t’aime maman and Happy Mother’s Day
Forever in my heart and in my prayers will you stay.

Copyright 2018 Christiana Parisien

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LIFE

Sometimes I think I’m too nice of a person, sometimes I realize that I can be really selfish. I try my best to see things from other peoples perspectives and be open minded and I try not to judge. A lot of times I think I’m way too emotional but others I think maybe I should be a little more in touch with my feelings. I cry often – when I’m mad, sad or just plain agitated …but I am terrible with confrontation and hate expressing my feelings. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling weak. I hate being taken advantage of and I hate myself for allowing it to happen. I try hard to be someone ppl could look up to, ppl would enjoy having a conversation with, someone who will be memorable even after I die and won’t be just another pretty face. I want to see my funeral. I want to see who shows up, who has nice things to say, who has terrible things to say. Who sheds tears and claims we we were the best of friends when we barely exchanged more than 2 words. Who will remember me and who will forget as soon as the funeral is done. Who’s hearts I will thrive in and who’s minds I will have left an impression. Who truly cared about me and truly mourn my loss and who wishes I were still around. People are strange and amazing creatures. So many different personalities and cultures and backgrounds. So many different morals, ethics and values. Each person is an individual no matter how many categories they fall into. So many ignorant and close minded individuals who do not wish to strive for better. Who do not strive to learn more and to grow more. Who are stuck in their ways and have a one track mind. So many individuals who are intelligent, determined and have a thirst for knowledge. Who either have something to bring to the table or search for something to bring. People who love life and understand that you cannot simply exist, you must live it. People who understand the difference between opinion and fact. Dreams and goals. The idea of success and the roller coaster ride that it actually is. Determination and just taking whatever life gives you. People are human and will inevitably make mistakes. But although we all on some level understand this, we criticize ourselves and others for being imperfect, for making mistakes, for not being all knowing. We disown, break up, pull away from people who make mistakes, although we ourselves make mistakes. Constantly. Although we know that we learn from these mistakes, we criticize others for being just as human as we are. The act of forgiveness and understanding is hard. It’s a difficult concept to comprehend and even if it is understood, things are always easier said than done. Even if you come to realize that forgiveness is not about the other person. That It’s not about the wrong they’ve done to you. When you realize It’s about you, and when you realize holding a grudge is doing more damage to yourself than the individual. When you realize it’s about a bigger picture, a higher being- when you realize it’s about God and your faith. If God can forgive us for all sins no matter how big or small, and all sin is considered equal, why can’t we forgive each other? Why can’t we realize that it takes more energy to be angry than to forgive? That life is short and we must treat every day like it’s our last. That people come into our lives for a reason and at some point you will need those people. That at one point you will need someone who won’t give up on you or have encountered someone who didn’t give up on you, so why did you give up on them? Because in society, things are easier said than done. It it easier to give up on something or someone because you’re not willing to fight. Because fighting would mean working harder to keep your job. Working harder to keep your significant other, to save your marriage, to keep your children in your life. Fighting would mean having to ride the never ending bumpy ride that is life instead of taking the easy way out and ending your existence. Fighting means having to put in time and effort into the people and the things you care about so you don’t lose them. So you don’t lose yourself. It’s so easy to lose yourself in this world. To lose sight of what’s important. To realize what is a necessity and what is a luxury. To decide what is really valuable to you and what you would really miss if it was gone forever. It is easy to lose yourself trying to conform to society’s standards and expectations. Trying to stand out and be an individual. You can lose yourself on your journey of finding yourself, seeing who you really are, what it is you really want out of life. You can lose sight of your faith and start to question things you never could fathom thinking before. People are strange and amazing creatures. Life is more than just the state you live in. More than the country you reside in. There is a whole world out there waiting to be seen. New experiences to be had. New relationships to be made. New opportunities to take advantage of. The world is not black and white, there are 50 shades of gray with a broad spectrum in between. Awaiting you. Life’s best teacher is experience. Trial and error. So go out there and be the best student you can be, your future awaits.

Copyright 2014 Christiana Parisien

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